Moving in Germany (Part 2)

Part 2: Dude, Where’s my Kitchen?!

A very usual sight when moving into a new place in Germany (Photo courtesy Immozippel)

About a month before moving into our new digs, my girlfriend calmly told me that something has to be done “about the kitchen”. Naturally, I was dumbfounded. “What kitchen?” I asked. “The kitchen for our new place, of course,” she said, matter-of-factly. Turns out, I hadn’t been aware of the quirky German tradition of moving places and taking your kitchen with you! Yes, you read it right. People actually take all their belongings with them which includes their kitchen as well. To be fair, though, many people also either sell their kitchens to the incoming tenants or to someone else on the presumption that the new people would bring their own kitchens with them.

Moving in Germany (Part 1)

Part 1: The Search

There must be readers here who have noticed my 2-month absence from the blog. Well, there was a reason for it: I have been busy moving into my new digs. Moving is a complicated process in any country, but in Germany it was a unique and adventure filled experience for me. I have divided this experience into parts to break it down for y’all.

I began the search for a new place with my German girlfriend and partner in crime. We thought a one bedroom apartment should be enough for the both of us, but if we got a good deal, we could go for a two bedroom place as well and then host guests when someone from out of town visited or a friend needed to crash. I was soon to learn, however, that finding a place is not the easiest thing in Germany.

Most German TV Show Ever!

Ever since I have come to Germany, I try to find the most stereotypically German things to use in sentences which begin with “I think the most German thing ever is…”. Usually its things like beer or schnitzel. But from time to time I come across something so quintessentially German that I am lost for words. A few days ago, my girlfriend was watching a show on TV which was so German that I just had to write a post about it.

The show promises an action packed hour of viewing, depending on your definition of action and packed.

You might know from an earlier post how Germans are about Ordnung. Things are done just so here, otherwise we’re no different than animals. Well, this Ordnung-ness is taken to a whole new level by this show called Achtung Kontrolle. The premise of this reality TV show is to follow around people of different professions. They can be the police – which is quite normal, really, since we all know shows like Cops and World’s Wildest Police Videos – but they can also be bizarrely mundane professions like the people who hand out parking tickets, Calibration Inspectors who check if weights and measures in places like supermarkets are correct, Food Inspectors, and the list goes on. While, I don’t want to belittle the jobs these people do, I think we can all agree they don’t lead the most thrilling of professional lives. To be fair, the show also follows German Customs and bouncers, who I assume has much more interesting stuff going on. And then there are the Ordnungsbeamter who are of course part of the show as well. Otherwise it just wouldn’t be Germany.

States of Germany: Berlin

Germany is a federal republic divided into 16 states. These states are called Bundesland(pl. Bundesländer) and each one of them has their fair share of places to visit and things to do. This series of posts titled “States of Germany” seeks to explore each state one by one and tell you a little bit about them. Feel free to post about things I have missed out on.

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Location of Berlin in Germany (left) and the state coat of arms (right).

After what seems to be a very long time, I am doing one of these posts again. Last time, I posted about the state of Brandenburg, which completely envelops Berlin. Berlin, which is my favorite state, also holds the distinction of being one of only three German city states: the other two being Hamburg and Bremen. It is also Germany’s largest city with a population of more than 3.5 million. Of course, Berlin is also Germany’s capital. The coat of arms of the city state is a bear with a five leaf crown on top.

What I Don’t Like About Life in Germany

Even though I love life in Germany and am really happy here, every so often I tend to notice things which I don’t like. This list is not meant to hurt anybody’s feelings and badmouth Germany. It’s just my own personal opinion about things here which I could do without. So without further ado, let’s see which things I am not so fond of in the Bundesrepublik.

1. Dark bread ain’t my thing. I still love me that American style toasted bread.
2. 

   As if this show wasn’t bad already, they got Ashton Kutcher in.

   As un-German as it sounds, I do not, repeat not like Two And A Half Men. That show was only funny for the first two and a half seasons, if you ask me. All Germans I know except my girlfriend, love it.

3. German babies are adorable and I make funny faces at times. What I do find weird are the disapproving looks their parents shoot me if they catch me in the act. So now I do it when their backs are to me.
4. I refuse to call biscuits cookies, even if none of the Germans I know understand what exactly a biscuit is.
5. Unlike the majority of the Germans, I still engage in small talk.
6. 

   You see that “Medium” written on the label? That shows the degree of carbonation.

   Sparkling water? No, thank you. While on this subject, I ask you, how can NATURAL water contain bubbles?!

7. Even though Germans don’t queue, I still try to find the end of the queue sometimes in public places. But this comes more from my school. God knows the Pakistanis are not a queuing nation.
8. The word Quasi? Still not getting it.
9. I don’t like or trust Tchibo. I just don’t understand it! Is it a shop which sells coffee and coffee machines? Then what’s that blanket doing there. And what about that garden gnome, how does he fit into all this?!
10. To any Pakistanis reading this, you remember those lame PTV shows from the 80s and 90s where they would clap in unison and work up an annoying rhythm? Germans still do that.
11. I can’t watch shows in other languages synchronized into German.
12. Even though European and German food is great, I feel these urges every few days to binge on Pakistani food. I don’t like eating German food constantly for more than a couple of weeks at a time.
13. Although I speak (imperfect) German, I have not managed to get rid of a bad habit I developed which is that I can zone out when listening to German and somehow push it to the back of my mind.
14. The opening timings in Germany are insane. And not in the good way. Coming from Pakistan in general and Karachi in particular, I am quite used to stuff being open 24/7. In Karachi, you could go out at 4am and find breakfast joints open.
15. Sometimes, though admittedly not always, German formality throws me off. I find people to be too distant at times even when there isn’t any need for it.
16. I have definitely not been impressed with the bureaucracy here in Germany. But, to be fair, Germans have a really bad opinion of the red tape in their country. This said, German bureaucracy is light years ahead of its Pakistani counterpart.
17. The German – and actually the European – definition of “stress” is quite lax for me. I think people generally in Europe should be more thankful for what they have. People get stressed too quickly over here over things which aren’t that big of a deal.
18. Most German homes (like 99.9%) have no air conditioning. Although there are radiators for the winter, there is nothing for the summer. Granted, summer’s only there for maximum 2-2.5 months, it can get really stuffy inside homes. I can’t count the number of times I have wished for a ceiling fan.
19. Germans like to say that their country is a “service desert”. I have to say that I agree with this statement. People working in shops, restaurants and even customer service are short, to the point and sometimes downright rude. I think it has a lot to do with the face that they’ll get paid no matter how they treat customer, unless they are very obviously unfriendly to people. So they kind of stop caring.
20. 

    Oh how everyone in Germany cusses when they see this.

    GEMA. That one word can usher in a string of expletives by people who are both German and non-German. If you don’t know what GEMA is and why they are so hated, you can get more info here.

21. ARD ZDF Deutschlandradio is yet another gem from the people who brought us GEMA. It’s a combined TV, radio and internet licencing fee which frankly seems ridiculous in this day and age.
22. I absolutely do not like that German attitudes to punctuality are set aside during a visit to the doctor. I once waited an hour and a half to see a doctor even though I arrived 10 minutes before my appointment.

How Germany Has Changed Me (Part 2)

Those of you who regularly follow my blog might remember this post from 2014. Well, now I have a new list of habits which I have adopted while living among the Germans.

1. Gone are the days of me saying ‘Ouch’ when I hurt myself. Now, I say ‘Aua’.
2. 

   Scheiße

   My favorite works-in-every-situation expletive is Scheiße.

3. I play the innocent and clueless brown foreigner who speaks bad German card whenever I’m in a bind. Works like a charm every time, because Germans are polite and helpful people. Now I feel guilty.
4. I shoot dirty looks at people crossing the road when the pedestrian signal is red. I have still not quite made the transition of yelling at them though I fear it’ll happen soon.
5. Even though my German is really bad, I tend to confuse words and start remembering German words when talking in English to people from the Indian Subcontinent. This is the weirdest thing for me.
6. I do not stand in the supermarket aisle and talk to random people, and find it surprising when others do.
7. The only time I say hello to strangers is when I enter a waiting room full of people. And then I say it more to the room than to the humans in it, because human contact needs to be avoided at all costs.
8. I stare straight ahead of me when in an elevator.
9. My word for goodbye has been categorized by age group: Tschüss for the older people, Ciao for the younger ones. But every so often I whip out a Wiedersehen to keep things interesting.
10. I am very troubled when people try to get on public transportation before the ones inside have gotten out and wonder whether society is close to collapsing.
11. 

    Oh yeah. German cake is freaking awesome.

    I dabble in the German custom of Kaffee und Kuchen in the name of integration, even though its really for the cake.

12. Even though I don’t drink much coffee, I drink it German style when I do. (Pakistani coffee is of a much tamer variety; more like milk with a bit of coffee.)
13. 

    What do we want? Food!
    Where do we want it? IKEA!

    Like many Germans, I too have aimlessly drifted around a humongous IKEA, only to end up at the restaurant and going home.

14. I have grown accustomed to the presence of pets around me when I go into public transportation or the city center…
15. …which, by the way, I call City now.

Germany 101: Karneval – Germany’s Fifth Season

Why? Because its Karneval dammit!

If you are living in Germany at the moment, you must have become aware by now that the fifth season is upon us all. It is time for the big carnival season in Germany to draw to a close. In the last few days, I have met people in every conceivable costume from Darth Vader and the Stormtroopers to soldiers to animals.

The Karneval is Cologne’s biggest attraction.

Carnival season is often called Germany’s fifth season and begins on 11 November each year at 11:11 and ends on Ash Wednesday of the next year. This year the Ash Wednesday will fall on the 18th of February. The biggest celebration of carnival season though is on Rose Monday (called Rosenmontag in German) which is the coming Monday (16th February). Carnival is known by many names in Germany: its called Karneval in the Rhineland where I live, Fasching in the south and east of the country, and Fastnacht in Baden-Württemberg and parts of Bavaria. Each brand of carnival has different traditions associated with it. Since I live in the Rhineland, I will talk about Karneval.

The Presidential Palace: Bellevue

Germany is a land filled with historical buildings and German castles and forts are among the most renowned in the world. Each week I publish a post about a German castle or fort and tell you – my readers – about its history, important things to see there and much more.

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Bellevue Palace is the official residence of the President of Germany.

This week, I will write about a palace which, in my opinion, is quite ignored by tourists and Germans alike due to its inaccessibility. But just because one cannot go inside unless invited, doesn’t mean we should overlook it. Bellevue Palace is located in Berlin and serves as the official residence of the President of Germany. The President stays in the palace and receives guests and foreign dignitaries there as well. Due to this fact, the palace is not open usually to the general public, however, if you decide to take up German citizenship and are among the chosen few invited to take it directly from the President himself, you will be invited there for sure. Of course, there are other ceremonies happening at the Bellevue Palace for the public round the year.

It’s All About the Wurst, Not the Schnitzel

Disclaimer: Before I begin this post, let me apologize in advance for the title referencing Meghan Trainor’s tasteless song.

Germany has a whopping 1500 different kinds of wurst.

If Germans have a staple diet, it is not Schnitzel or potatoes (although they do come close), it is the Wurst. From time to time Germans feel a calling from deep within themselves; they say naturalized citizens even claim hearing voices in their heads. The calls and voices lead people to the nearest Wurst stands where they binge on the tubular steaks and leave with a silly smile on their faces and a noticeable tightening of their bellies.

Statistically, Germany is one of the wurst (see what I just did there?) countries to be a livestock animal. Germans consume an epic 60 kg of meat per person per year. The global average is 42 kg. Yeah, these folks eat a lot of meat. So much in fact that Germany has a whopping 1500 different kinds of sausages! In this post, I’ll try to skim the surface of the German art form that is the Wurst.

States of Germany: Brandenburg

Germany is a federal republic divided into 16 states. These states are called Bundesland(pl. Bundesländer) and each one of them has their fair share of places to visit and things to do. This series of posts titled “States of Germany” seeks to explore each state one by one and tell you a little bit about them. Feel free to post about things I have missed out on.

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Brandenburg’s location in Germany (left) and its coat of arms (right).

This week, we continue our journey into eastern Germany and explore the state of Brandenburg. Brandenburg is the second of two German states completely enveloping another state; the first being Lower Saxony. Brandenburg completely envelops the city state of Berlin. It was also part of the former GDR (DDR in German) and – due to the GDR’s different system of administration – was constituted in 1990 after German reunification. The capital of Brandenburg is the beautiful city of Potsdam. The city has immense historical value and was important throughout German history. The city of Potsdam has a population of roughly 160,000 which is not bad for a state capital. The state of Brandenburg, on the other hand, is home to about 2.5 million people. The state seal is a March of Brandenburg (the name of the region during the times of the Holy Roman Empire) eagle on a white shield.